gratitude, health, holistic health, kindness, positivity, shamanism

The Source of Creativity

What are these wild and whimsical ideas that come forth to me in the dark?

Where do they emerge from when they burst through the boundaries of my consciousness.

Creativity finds its source in the most unusual places

We do not ‘have’ ideas. They come to us. They ‘have’ us.

Elizabeth Gilbert talks about ideas seeking their host. Nothing has resonated with me more. I have new book ideas every week. A new passage tries to birth through my fingers onto the keyboard each day. But I have learnt to only accept the ones that speak to my heart. I have learnt to only embrace the ones that call to my soul.

Where is my passion found? What is my motivation? What is the one true message I want to birth into the world? I ask myself these questions every time a new idea comes to me.

The answer is simple. The answer is always the same.

I want to teach people how to live, how to truly, unashamedly live their one beautiful and precious life with joy and love and kindness.

I want to inspire people to embrace the magic of the everyday, to break free from the mundane, the drama and the suffering.

I want to spread a message into the web of the world about hope, love and kindness. I want my words to demonstrate that magic and joy are not found in a perfect life, one without suffering or trauma or anxiety or fear. No, magic and joy are found in accepting our life just as it is, right now, without change, without question. They are found in the deep surrender of our heart and soul.

So I say yes, without fear or question, to the ideas and words that speak this truth – the only truth I know – and I send love and gratitude to every other message that calls out to my soul, sending them on their way to find the storyteller who ‘will’ birth them into existence.

I know why I’m here. I know what my message is, what my purpose is, and I will spend every moment I can expressing that through my words, both written and spoken.

I often see my creativity, my writing muse, as a crow that sits with me while I write. But sometimes she flies beside me, desperately trying to get my attention. Sometimes she pecks at my eyes and face while I try to sleep. Sometimes her persistent attention grabbing nature is unavoidable and I climb out of bed in a sleep induced daze and let her write through me.

That is when my best writing is done.

Other times, I find myself too tired, too busy, too distracted, and she simply flies off, delivering her words to someone more willing.

In those moments I lose my best work. But it was never mine. It was hers. She is the messenger from spirit, from source, not me.

I am written through, the words breath through me, through my heart and my soul and onto the page. They are not mine, they are yours, they are gifted to you through me.

May they inspire you to live the life of your dreams.

It’s all temporary, this precious life that we each hold. But, it’s up to us to make it memorably and meaningful rather than mundane.

And, in my experience, a memorable and meaningful life is found in connection, in acceptance, in love and friendship and hope and closeness and curiosity and passion and surrender to something bigger than ourselves, whatever that may be. But it is never, never, found in seeking perfection.

With live and gratitude always, Fi xx

ovarian cancer

Megginch Castle: Chemo 4 – Day 7

Today I woke feeling much as I had over the past few days since receiving my fourth chemo dose, only now with the added side affect of ‘roid rage’ – this is caused by the steroids I need to take in the days before and following a chemo dose now leaving my system. This manifests suddenly with me becoming unreasonably emotional and angry. It’s not pleasant and it’s not pretty – but it does pass! Also it’s easier to deal with now I know what causes it – the first couple of doses of chemo I felt like I was loosing my mind!
Although still feeling ill I decided to combat these emotions this  round by having a day out with my husband and parents. First stop was an awesome lunch at my favourite cafe who specialise in accommodating food allergies – making my life a lot easier! It’s amazing how much more human I can feel after a bowl of hot soup! I also find that being out and about and around people helps me to feel better – as long as I don’t try to over do it or stay out too long. 

Megginch Castle – which isn’t too far away – were having their annual open garden day today where they allow members of the public to explore the beautiful grounds with the aim of raising funds for Maggie’s Cancer Care Centre. This provided our next stop and a great opportunity to take advantage of the lovely spring weather and, or course, an ever welcome opportunity to spend some healing time in nature. I’m very grateful for their chosen beneficiary. Maggie’s have provided such valuable support and care for me and my family during my diagnosis and treatment and it’s always lovely to see people realising this value and helping support them!

  
The family at Megginch Castle provided a warm and friendly welcome and the gardens were absolutely stunning! I felt so relaxed and comfortable strolling around their beautiful walled gardens and then resting for a cup of tea on the lawn with the other visitors. I only wish they were open to the public more often!  

  There really is something wonderful about spending time in nature. It’s so calming and I truly believe it is healing too. Simply being outside, breathing in fresh air and enjoying the scenery encourages a slower, medatative pace that allows me to enjoy the moment and – for at least a while – disconnect from being a ‘cancer patient’.

  In nature I feel relaxed and calm and, dare I say it, healthy. Such a priceless feeling and one we often take for granted. Instead we are often guilty of rushing around always ‘doing’ and never just ‘being’ – well I was anyway until my diagnosis! Time in nature, however, forces us to enjoy the moment; to look at the trees; to enjoy wondering down the shaded pathways; to loose our thoughts watching a bumble bee choose a flower – it’s beautiful and nothing quite compares.

I hope those reading this are taking some precious time to enjoy nature too.

Fi xx 
 

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Rescued by a Dog…

When I got a rescue dog two weeks ago I thought I was doing him a favour…that I was rescuing him…I was wrong.

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In the last two weeks our new addition to the family has ensured that every day, even when I don’t feel like it, I get up early and I go outside. So now, before I do anything else I am getting fresh air in my lungs!

He has also ensured that, come rain or shine, I go for a walk every single day. So even when I’m tired and want to curl up on the sofa I am still having to go out…for him…

…and you know what?…I always feel better after our walk. Yes sometimes I feel tired, and yes sometimes this tiredness results in a couple of hours sleeping. But I always feel more alive.

And what’s more important…he’s giving a purpose to my day.

So whilst I thought I had rescued him…in reality…I think he’s rescuing me.

love and light, Fi xx

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CT Scan…finding the cancer

Following the news I had cancer my consultant asked me to come to hospital the next day and be admitted as an inpatient. This was so I could get a CT scan, some medication to manage the pain and sickness and a drip to manage my dehydration.

I was told to arrive at 10am and, because I didn’t know how long I’d be in for and because I love an excuse for some nature time, I went for an early morning walk with my husband. Isn’t there something magical about the cold winter air when you are feeling down and crapy?!

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It was a beautiful day and really helped to give us some perspective, and time away from our constantly buzzing phones(!), to just be alone together and talk about what was going to be happening over the next year.

When we arrived at the hospital I was put on a drip as planned – cue a million attempts at getting a cannula in my hand!…hard to believe I used to be a blood donor with the hopeless veins I know have!

I was told I’d been booked in for my CT scan at 2pm so in the meantime I sat and chatted with my husband and two sisters playing ‘Cards Against Humanity’ – if you’ve not played it before I can only warn you that it is not for the faint hearted(!!) and probably sums up my dry sense of humour entirely! It is a great laugh!

There was almost a sense of relief in going for my CT scan – it may sound crazy but I knew it was taking me one step closer to my recovery and although I knew it was likely to uncover news I didn’t want to hear, it was all part of the necessary process. However, once I was in the CT room I had what we will call my first ‘moment’. They had to put dye in the cannula in my hand and it was so painful! I am pretty good on the old pain threshold side of things but wow was that a sore one! I cried and think I may of actually screamed at one point as the poor nurse injected the dye and rubbed my hand for comfort.  On reflection, this was the first time I had been alone since my diagnosis and I think what actually caused this reaction wasn’t the pain but the reality of a long journey in which often only medical staff would be able to hold my hand.

The CT scan only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to go back to my bed on the ward. I was exhausted – it is amazing how much cancer (and not being able to eat because of cancer) exhausts you!

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That evening my husband and I met with two oncologists and were told the early results of the CT scan. They explained that they review the suspected primary sites first (in my case my ovaries) and then your vital organs (head, liver and lungs) and then the rest. Whilst we knew we would get the full results the following day following their multi-disciplinary team (MDT) meeting they wanted to let us know that it had been confirmed that I had cancer in my ovaries and that my head and liver were clear – well thank f%&k for that…some monumental good news in a sea of crazy!

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That night I didn’t sleep well – a result of having a bed next to the nurses station and the anxiety of waiting for the full results the next day.

love and light, Fi xx