Dear Cancer (a postscript)
I know I’ve said farewell already but I realised I still had a few more things left to say.
I’ve planned a ‘divorce ceremony’ to say farewell to you properly: to honour what you gave me as well as what you took. A proper goodbye.
Until then I’ll keep writing letters to you. I want to be sure there is nothing left unsaid when I say my final goodbyes to you.
Today I find myself reflecting on the fear that comes with saying farewell to you.
I mean I don’t know who I am without you.
Yes that’s exciting, but it’s also terrifying.
I held on to you for so long because of this fear; because I was too scared to step into the unknown.
Not only do I not know who I am without you, but so many people in my life don’t know either. I mean, many of them met me after you came on the scene.
What if I don’t like the me that’s left? What if they don’t like me either?
What if, perhaps worse still, I discover I love myself more without you now and that I wasted time caught in the fear of letting you go?
But, while I’m scared I am also ready.
Feel the fear and do it anyway, they say.
I feel the fear of saying farewell to you, yes. But the fear of staying attached to you is far greater.
So I prepare to step into the unknown. I am taking a step of faith, trusting that the path I can’t yet see will appear before me before my foot hits the ground.
Love, Fi xx
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Fi is Currently:
Working on a new book idea.
Watching a wood pigeon make a nest in one of our trees.
Excited for some self care this afternoon.
Waiting for the arrival of autumn, my favourite season!