I’m away on a course for five days just now and just channeled these words and had to share them with you. With love, always.
Knowing all that I do about myself now, do I not know it to be true that this is the life I would have asked for?
Do I not know that, given the chance to choose my life, that I would have chosen this exact one again and again and again?
Do I not know it to be true that I would have fallen to my knees in front of the stars and begged them to show me it all?
“Show me the suffering and the pain.
Show me the loss and the gain.
The love and the grief.
The joy and the sorrow.
Please, show me it all.
Let my heart beat with every human emotion.
Let me leave this life having experienced everything that is real and true.
Let me live this life knowing that I have felt everything, truly everything possible, right to my core.
Let me have no doubt that the human experience has been mine, that it has touched my heart, that it has guided the unravelling of my soul and enabled me the great gift of personal growth at a human level.
Please, I beg you, do not let me live a mediocre life.
Do not let me numb the emotions of the human experience.
Let me feel it.
Let me feel it all.
Let my heart sing and soar and dive and shriek.
Is this not exactly what I would have asked for?
For the pain and for the suffering but also for the deep love and connection.
For the guidance and holding, for the daily unravelling of who I am at my core as I get to meet the very essence of my true self hidden under all of these layers of conditions of worth.
And so, who am I now, to say that this is not what I wanted?
That this is not the life I chose.
The life I craved.
The life I needed.
Who am I to say no?
No thank you, I choose differently now.
This is too hard.
“Give me the growth but without the suffering.
Give me the love without the loss.
Give me the joy without the sorrow.
Give me hope having never experienced despair.”
But I know it does not work like that.
I cannot choose to only experience the good.
I cannot choose to avoid the heartache, the loss, the fear or the pain.
I would not know joy if I had not received sorrow.
I would not know what it was to lose someone if I had not known what it was to love them first.
I would not know the power of hope if I had not become so well acquainted with fear.
So, give me this life.
Time and time again.
Let me feel all of it.
Let me know the depths of despair so that when hope gently caresses my cheek I will recognise her tender touch.
And in doing so, let my soul unravel.
Let me meet who I was born to be.
Let me fall to my knees in front of the stars and thank them time and time again for this unravelling, this reawakening.
No, I did not, I would not, I could not ever have asked for a mediocre or easy life through which I flowed without suffering.
I asked for this life.
And it is my deepest calling to live and embrace all of it.
Even when, perhaps especially when, that feels impossible.
Fi Munro, 23rd January 2020