I don’t care much for you. Not anymore.
Oh but I used to. My goodness I was all about you. I think I may have been your biggest fan.
But, in truth, it was kind of an emotional relationship, perhaps verging on an abusive one.
I mean I constantly tried to get away from you, but there you were, lurking everywhere, telling me I wasn’t good enough without you.
On the TV, in the magazines, on social media, even in some of my friends houses.
You are so intrusive!
But I’ve left you now.
Good riddance to all the pressure you brought me.
I still see you lurking in the same old places but I call you by your other names now; fear, lack of self worth, shame. You don’t like that and it makes you shrink away a little more each day. Maybe one day you’ll vanish altogether.
I know that when I used to buy three outfits for a night out, only to wear something I already owned, that it wasn’t you, dear materialism, that made me do it, it was fear, it was because I didn’t think I was enough with what I already had, it was because I was worried I wasn’t good enough to just show up as me.
When I persistently bought ‘trinkets’ for my home it wasn’t you either, it was the fear that I wouldn’t be perceived as being good enough without them.
Every time I bought something I didn’t need to impress someone else, all I did was squash down the real feelings I needed to face. All I did was avoid looking at how much value I was placing on ‘things’ instead of on myself.
I see that now.
And now I value me above anything material. I value my happiness and my joy and I know that, for me anyway, that’s not found in a new pair of jeans, sofa or candle holder but in the rain hitting my face, the waves crashing against my body, the wind in my hair.
I don’t need or want you in my life to justify who I am anymore.
I love myself now and I’ve realised, finally, I’m happy just to be me.
So you can lurk wherever you want, because I don’t need you anymore.
And with my head held high, and self love in my heart, I can walk past you now, unaffected by your desire to tell me I’m not good enough.
Goodbye. I will not be shamed by you anymore.
Love, Fi xx
When I write these words, these letters, I personify the emotion and then I meet it and sit with it. It’s a wonderful healing tool for me. It really helps me to listen to and connect with my heart and soul.
Do you have a suggestion of what I should write to next?…comment below with suggestions (such as love, death, pain or joy) and I’ll see what I can do (I have a growing list – thank you!)
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