health

Turning The Corner

My heath suddenly changing on the 15th December was a massive shock to my system.

The past two months have been a brutal test of my physical and emotional strength.

Through deep reflection I’ve felt parts of myself die off as I’ve learnt things about myself I’d not looked at in the years previous to this sudden change.

Pain, vomiting, weakness, numbness, outbursts of anger, deep sadness, an inability to walk even up my own stairs, isolation…seemingly overnight I faced all of my worst fears.

However, I kept going. I kept moving forward. When I no longer had the strength to carry myself, those who love me most took the weight.

And, somehow, with the incredible support of my oncologist and medical team (and far more admissions than I care to remember) I turned a corner I no longer thought was there…

If you had told me even a week ago that this week I would be in London, making memories with people I love, eating what I want, adventuring, exploring, enjoying our annual ‘Secret Cinema’ event (pictured. More info: https://tickets.secretcinema.org/stranger-things/) I wouldn’t have believed it…it felt an unimaginable dream…

Fi with husband Ewan at Secret Cinema Stranger Things in London 16th February 2020

Yet here I am…filled with the deepest gratitude and love for each moment…now truly seeing have fragile and fleeting everting I had previously taken for granted really is…

Am I free from pain? From weakness? From struggle? No.

But have I adapted, surrendered and accepted? Yes.

Am I filled with love? With gratitude? With hope? Have I learnt how sacred and precious even a bite of solid food can be, after weeks of that feeling like an impossible task? Have I dropped to my knees in tears while walking Ozzy after weeks of my legs no longer carrying me? Have I laughed more deeply? Have I felt everything more fully? Have I thanked the universe for each day, each hour, each breath? YES. A million times yes!

I don’t know what tomorrow brings. But today, today I am alive, I am grateful and I am filled with hope not for a better tomorrow, but for a tomorrow I can live through.

I no longer want to change my reality. Instead, I ask to always have the strength to accept it, exactly as it is, with deep gratitude and love.

Today I am ‘meant’ to be having my second dose of chemo but I have asked for a week break for this London adventure. I restart chemo next week.

Meanwhile I will laugh, I will love and I will continue with my digital break…I’m not sure when I’ll be back online but please grant me the space to discover who I really am…

With love xxx

12 thoughts on “Turning The Corner”

  1. Seeing you well always! That smile says a thousand words. You are a true inspiration to so many… sending happiness and love

  2. I’m absolutely delighted to read this blog this morning, thank you for some lovely thoughts to start my day with x

  3. Such a positive post Fi and it couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I hope I can find your amazing strength. Keep going and have a fab time making memories. X

  4. Wow . Amazing photo . So glad you’re making amazing memories with those you love ! You are a complete inspiration.
    Enjoy xxx

  5. I’ve been thinking of you and “seeing you well.” This post makes me so happy for you! I need to memorize this quote:

    I no longer want to change my reality. Instead, I ask to always have the strength to accept it, exactly as it is, with deep gratitude and love.

    You are such an inspiration and am so happy that you spent it doing what you wanted to do!

    Much love to you always. ❤️

  6. To beating your foe once more and I hope we can lift you up as you have been lifting us up on our journey with you.

  7. You are truly amazing ….. I too have just continued to see you well, precious girl. Thank you a million times for all that you teach us . You are just the Best! Praying for you and loving you, Shonie

  8. It’s a long hard journey but you got this. Your very inspiring and although I know well how much chemo kicks the shit out of you but, your a beautiful and strong warrior woman xxxx

  9. Loving the make-up! I remember wearing those shades when they were actually in fashion! Virtual wave to you from Greenwich on Monday.

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