Everything Was Fine…Until Suddenly it Wasn’t

Ewan and I spent a fabulous few days celebrating 6 years of marriage and 11 years of togetherness.

We laughed, we loved, we ate and we adventured.

Then, abruptly, it ended with severe abdominal pain and persistent vomiting.

The vomiting passed but the pain didn’t. Instead it spread from my abdomen into my chest.

Today I was due hospital treatment (a fortnightly infusion as part of a clinical trial) so I phoned ahead and requested a chest xray – I’ve learnt to listen to my body when she whispers.

I was expecting another collapsed lung. I was not expecting to be told that my lung hasn’t collapsed, but that my lung tumours had grown, my trial treatment was no longer affective and, that the source of my pain was not my lungs but perhaps the tumour above my heart.

Shite. Shite. And more shite news.

So, in 48 hours I am torn from celebrations of life and love to the reality of cancer progression, failing treatment, pain and difficult and unwanted decisions.

In coming weeks I face a CT scan, tests, screenings and treatment decisions I don’t want to make.

Chemo may now be the only remaining option. Something I have, miraculously, avoided for 3.5 years after receiving 6 doses (1 round) when I was diagnosed stage four in January 2016.

I always said I wouldn’t do it again.

But how does one truly chose between life and death when they are just 34 years old and so desperate to live?…

I don’t have the full options or answers yet. But I will, as ever, continue to be guided by my intuition. After all, it’s got me this far…4 years LIVING with stage four cancer.

Tonight I am in shock. Shocked by how quickly everything can change. Shocked at my situation. Shocked at the reality. Shocked. Numb. Disappointed.

With Love and gratitude today and always, Fi xx

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14 thoughts on “Everything Was Fine…Until Suddenly it Wasn’t”

  1. Stay BOLD! Do what is right for you!! Life remains so fragile…….this we forget whilst just living life. My heart aches for you and Ewan.

  2. A little overwhelmed reading your post. I hate those pottering along ok then kick in the backside moments. Wishing you and everyone else (including me) living with cancer well.

  3. I cannot find the words. To go from such a wonderful celebration to this awful,development.
    I will focus allmy positivity and love and hopes and prayers on you and Ewan. Sending hugs, Susan xxxx

  4. Yes – shite. Shite. Shite. Thinking of you. Keep your same outlook and attitude that has defied all odds. Love Jen P xx

  5. Fi, this is a blow, especially after such joy. I really do feel for you and Ewan. But, I know you will bounce back for fortitude and resilience, as always, because that is you. Love and light. X

  6. Fi, my heart goes out to you and of course Ewan…I’ll join you, if I may and say…FUCK..FUCK..FUCK..(OK to swear at times like this…I’d say) It’s just NOT FAIR! I have so much admiration for you lady!! No one knows what SHITE life will deal us, she can be quite a bitch!! (In my book, to all the wrong people!) However, you are so bloomin’ brave (understatement) an inspiration throughout your journey, showing unbelievable courage, positivety, determination, and yet, still finding time to give amazing support & encouragement to others.
    As a constant follower of your posts and progress, I am devestated to hear your news….my heart, love and hugs are sent to you both xx
    I wish you well and hope to see your beautiful smile on your next post…..stay strong xxx

  7. Thinking of you both, as you say, I agree FUCK,FUCK,FUCK!!!
    Devestated to hear your news….stay positive, as always, and keep on fighting….go girl!!!
    Sending Love & Hugs to you and Ewan… know you won’t give up….keep that beautiful smile shining!💕xx

  8. Love, Love and more Love, Fi. Wishing you Love within, Love surrounding you and you in Love. It’s all I could wish for you.
    I know you will continue to be the awesome you that you already are, regardless of circumstances.

  9. Fi, I know you will pull through….because it is YOU. Distant Reiki Healing …on it’s way. xxxx

  10. So sorry to hear this Fi. I know how hard it is when the rug is swept away from under your feet. Thinking of you. Stay strong and sending lots of love xxx

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