I Didn’t Know Before

I’m sorry…I didn’t know before what it was like….

To love someone and watch them be diagnosed with incurable cancer.

I have, of course, felt the pain of being diagnosed myself.

I’ve managed the emotions of others as I tell them good news and bad…the highs and the lows…always underpinned by the fact that I’ll never be cured…that my cancer is terminal…that treatment is just ‘buying us precious time together’.

I often suspected it was worse for them than it was for me….the ones who were watching…the ones who love me…the ones who would be left behind…afterwards…

When I felt pain; when I was sick; when I couldn’t get out of bed; when I was in a wheelchair; when I was kept alive by a drip…at least I knew how I felt, at least I knew what I needed…they, however, just had to watch…they just had to hope that their words were enough while they lived with the fact that they could never take it away from me; the pain; the illness; the suffering…no matter how much they wanted to.

For the past 3.5 years it is mainly those who love someone with cancer that message me…asking for advice, for hope, for answers, for anything I can suggest that they can do to help the person they love with cancer…

Reflecting on this, and reflecting on my own loved ones, I often thought it must be harder to watch someone you love have cancer than to have it yourself…

I often thought…

But now I know…

Now I know it’s harder.

Now I have to hold the hand of someone I love…

Now I have to be the one who would do anything to take away the pain; to make it all better; to fix them…

Now I know for sure…

I preferred it when it was just a thought…

To everyone who loves someone with cancer…now I see you…truly see you…because now I am your sister too…now I am no longer just a woman who stands with her fellow cancer warriors…now I stand with you too; now I am one of you; now I know for sure that the pain you face is harder.

I love you, Fi xx

Note: I will not be disclosing who has been diagnosed, just that I love them – it’s their story to share, not mine.

But it’s not my Ewan 🥰

Fi xxx


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Fi is Currently:

Cuddling Ewan on our sofa.

Reflecting on everything I’m learning through this crazy journey of life.

Decluttering our home and creating more space for love.

Reading ‘when the body says no’…a great book about stress!

2 thoughts on “I Didn’t Know Before”

  1. You are so right Fi. It could be too easy to get carried away in our own health issues, talking internally to ourselves without a breath. Going within ourselves trying to come to terms with our feelings.

    I was talking to my hubby, Joe and my son Paul. I am so grateful for coming up 9 years clear of Ovarian. And I began to get very reflective, and we talked about it all. I looked at Joe and Paul, our son. Paul commented the day of my operation lasting approx 4 hours, he said Dad could not handle it. Paul had to take over, Joe had fallen apart. I looked at Joe and he said ‘Pauly you have no idea what this did to me’. He was in tears as he said he would have swapped places with me in a heartbeat, and the hurt went so deep he could not sleep or eat. How it hurt to look at me, into my eyes and try to remain positive and strong. He told me his world was broken in two, and Paul said ‘mine too mum’. I just burst into tears. My darlings, my poor darlings.

    As you say Fi, our loved ones feel our pain, they practically mirror us, and can do nothing but watch and pray. Me having cancer changed Joe, changed Paul. They went through the chemo with me and the cliff hanger check ups. On top of that Joe dealing with MS too.

    Lastly, I looked at cancer differently. I never asked Why Me, instead I said Why not me. But Joe to this day finds it difficult to accept that his wife went through it. Yes Fi…they hurt. I am so sorry for anyone who is close to someone with cancer. So sorry. It must be more than devastating for them. Love to all those going through this with their partners and loved ones, because they are truly brave and having to be the rock we lean on. .

  2. Thanks for sharing.

    …and yes, it does take a different sort of courage. But a courage that we DO have within us, which is really inside us just waiting to be manifested.

    …and remembering that in the same way that we learn to shine healing Light on our own lives, we can send healing Light to others too.

    …and in doing so perhaps they become healed within, they too find courage, strength, peace…

    Sending unconditional Love and Light to you and yours.

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