Well I’m still in hospital…
After my readmission on Friday night/Saturday morning the weekend was spent trying to get my symptoms under control. I continued to get antibiotics and fluids continuously via IV alongside morphine and anti-sickness through a syringe driver. Sickness continued to be an issue and eating a challenge I never thought I’d face – I mean did you see how much I ate at The Kitchin the week pre surgery!?! However, one or two mouthfuls and I was still being sick. I asked to be weighed and was horrified to discover I’d lost 1.5 stone in the last 2 weeks!! I didn’t even think that was possible! Weighing in at just 54kg now I became determined this was to be my main challenge to overcome.
I remember when I got diagnosed someone said to me…“you just need to eat, drink and go to the toilet, let the medical team take care of everything else.” I didn’t understand what they meant at the time, but I do no. I can’t control the drugs and medical interventions. The Drs can’t control my eating and drinking. Together we can work towards recovery…but apart…well that’s when things start to breakdown.
Step one was getting the medical help to get my sickness under control – so the anti sickness medication in my syringe driver was doubled. Now it was up to me to retrain myself to eat after three weeks of not being able to. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Very quickly your body builds negative associations. If, for example, every time you touched a door handle it gave you an electric shock you would soon learn not to touch the door handle! The same is the case if for three weeks, three times a day, every time you eat, you throw up. You no longer associate food wth pleasure, fuel or nourishment. You associate it with pain, anxiety and fear.
But, I’m a stubborn little buggar and this was not going to defeat me. Baby steps. Day by day. Bit by bit. It wasn’t easy and, as crazy as it sounds, retraining myself to eat was one of the hardest challenges I’ve had so far on this journey. Yesterday was actually the first day I managed to eat three full meals. And I tell you what…I feeling a great deal better for it! To overcome this I used meditation. I realised that whilst I had been very conscious of my emotional health prior to surgery, since my op I had gone on a downward spiral, completely disregarding my emotional health…which is probably what had gotten me into this whole cancer situation in the first place…I guess old habits die hard. Anyway, reflecting on how great I’d felt prior to surgery, for the past two days I have been meditating and I think I’m getting there now. I’m now going to lie though, the threat of artificial feeding may have also played a role!
Monday brought with it the usual ward rounds and, with it, my oncologist, my Macmillan nurse and the local gynaecology surgical team; all of whom I have gotten to know really well throughout my journey and whom I feel all truely get who I am as a person and my outlook to life. It was comforting to see familiar and friendly faces and, once again, I felt assured I was in the best possible hands.
For example, my oncologist is wonderfully understanding and knows how important being outside and independent is to me and so actively encourages and supports me to make it outside for 15 minutes each day – these little things make a massive difference to your overall recovery and already I feel a million miles from how I did when I was first admitted.
However, despite this, I’ve been told to ‘bed down’ until at least next week. Whilst I may be over the worst of it (fingers crossed!!!) I am far from fighting fit. Over the last couple of days I’ve had three blood transfusions alongside a continuous cocktail of antibiotics and fluids. This has involved an IV in each arm and two drip stands, either side of my bed. I’m sure you can imagine the comedy of me trying to make my way to the toilet!…but I guess, at least, the fact that I can joke about it must be a sign that I’m getting better.
The plan now is to keep me on fluids and antibiotics and to repeat the CT scan later this week. If the ‘collection’ is decreasing then the antibiotics are having an affect and it is an infection. This could mean it may need to be drained, under sedation, using a CT for guidance. If it isn’t decreasing, however, then that would indicate that it is just a collection of fluid or blood and, ultimately, not an issue and that the pain and sickness was caused by something else. I guess time will tell. Until then I am making myself at home, making friends with my fellow ward mates and adjusting to life with ‘sound proof’ hospital curtains.